Sunday, 26 April 2009

• Time to face the music!

  So this is how it is...I am supposed to start CHEMO (Xeloda) next week, probably the 29th. I am not looking forward to it, in fact I'm actually afraid. Afraid of the side affects mostly, but also afraid of being alone while I go through it. I have managed to put it off for quite a long time due to other treatments, surgeries, complications, etc. So yeah, time to face the music.
  
  It will be a pill form that I take at home twice a day for one week on and one week off. They will determine if it is working based on blood tests that show tumor marker numbers about two months out and if there is no change then we'll go on to a different CHEMO treatment.
  
  The side affects are typical but not necessarily true for everyone: vomiting, nausea, diahrea, hair loss. There are bigger ones such as sores in the mouth, hand and foot sores. Also messes with Coumadin so more frequent blood tests are necessary.
  
  Because of the cancer in my spine the gagging and vomiting is especially painful...I've experienced that recently from the side affects to the radiation I had on the remaining tumor in my upper back (kinda between my shoulder blades). I absolutely HATE nausea as it affects ALL of me. It's hard to eat through nausea.
  
  The side affect that scares me the most is the mouth sores...sounds really bad. I'm not trying to think the worst or assume the worst will happen but i don't have the healthiest gums. There is a different drug that they encourage me to take as well. Cant think of the name right now but it is a bone strengthening drug that you take via IV every three to four weeks and a side affect to that is like a lock jaw. I hesitate to take it for the same reason.
  
  I have begun to feel so much stronger and better than I've felt in so long and I'm not too excited anticipating that this is going to knock me back on my butt.
  
  I had a friend that was going to coming to stay with me for almost three weeks and it just so happened to be during my first week of CHEMO and a little time before and after but that has fallen through and so I will be home alone. I don't know how long before any side affects actually begin but it's a funny thing how I feel about it just being me.
  
  I have plenty of family and friends that are helping out and will be here should I find that I can't function on my own due to the intensity of the side affects; but when I talk about being alone that's not what I mean. It goes deeper than that. I guess in the long run it's one of those between God and me kinda things.
  
  The CHEMO will slow the cancer down kinda like a beaver dam slows the flow of water down and eventually it weakens and starts flowing again, but will never make it go away. The damage that has been done to this point will remain but hopefully we'll find something that works to slow the growth and prevent bone breakage and fractures.
  
  I feel a desperate cry within me that I would remain free of the side affects and be able to continue on in the strength I've had these past couple of weeks.
  
  I am also facing another tune and that is I am coming to the end of my short term disability and it is time for someone to make a decision as to whether I will be able to return to work or if I need to go on long term disability.
  
  Additionally, my sister and brother-in-law are retiring from the military the end of May and their son/my nephew will be graduating from high school the same weekend. There will be lots of family there. I have made arrangements for my granddaughter to fly here and for she and I to take the train to my sisters' (a little over 5 hour ride) with a day or so on either end here at home for us to spend together. It's a huge undertaking, one that won't be possible if the CHEMO does knock me on my butt; however I think it's doable otherwise even though it's a lot. I would depend on the family for help and need to take care of myself.
  
  Well I guess that's all from me. I've wrestled over writing this, how and what to say, digging deep and being real in all of it...woke up in the middle of the night even and had to take my thoughts captive over and over again because I surely wasn't going to get up then and write it and it wouldn't quit going round and round in my mind.
  
  Appreciate your prayers...
  
  
  http://www.xeloda.com/faqs/xeloda-faqs.aspx#about-health-insurance

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